07 September 2010

I Never Thought I Would See This Day...

As A and I walked out into the beautiful, sunlight afternoon today, I looked down at her while she trotted alongside me, watching her feet for anything interesting they might happen across. I stroked her golden hair and thought, I did this for you. No one else but you.

Today was a bittersweet day. In my last post, I made brief mention of the fact that I would probably be going into the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR). There's no more probably about it. I submitted my letter requesting the transfer today, knowing that I had my commander's verbal authorization already.

I don't know how I feel right now. The idea of not wearing a uniform for a period of years is foreign to me and it makes my skin crawl. Knowing that I can come back (and will) isn't exactly the consolation prize that I had hoped for. I do, after all, have 11 years of my life invested in this endeavor and part of me feels like I should have my boots in the sand right now - not my butt in a comfy chair.

Yet, I know that I'm doing this for all of the right reasons. I can't operate effectively when I'm needed at home in the way that I have been. So even though I feel adrift and more than just a little lost right now, I also feel a sense of relief and freedom. I'll have more time here. More time to just be here, with her. With M. More time to support them without worrying, even if it was only subconsciously. If something happens, I'll be here. There won't be any more conflicting work schedules to worry about for a long time. It is a relief.

And yet...

I can't fully express how hard this decision was for me. I put off the letter for as long as I could. But it's done, with no takesies-backsies. I'm not sure when I'll return yet, or even where I'll return to. But I will come back. I have to.

Just...not now. Not while I have this golden haired viking's tiny little hand still holding so tightly to mine. Not at this time in her life.



Lylah at Write. Edit. Repeat. said...

In sewing, there's a really important type of stitch called a back tack. It's created when you sew a seam forward, then a little bit back on itself, and then forward again -- a stich taken backward in order to keep an entire long line of work from falling apart.

We do them in life, too. It's just harder to accept, because 1) we can feel the backward step, but not necessarily the securing of the seam and 2) in our careers, especially as women, even more so as parents, sometimes the backwards steps feel like defeat instead of reinforcement.

You'll move forward again!

Phe said...

Lylah: That's a really beautiful analogy. Like I posted on my personal LJ a little while ago, I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

I want to curl up under a pile of my uniforms and boots and smell the field and suck my thumb like a child.

I want to revel in the new freedom too.

But your analogy is most fitting. Thank you.

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