MoR Reviews Toddler TV!

I’m a bad parent. We are bad parents. We let our toddler watch TV. There. I’ve said it. Feel free to pelt me with granola and pamphlets, but if you do, it’s a safe bet that this article is not for you. It is, instead, a not-so-in-depth review of Toddler Time TV Shows. Yes, today, I am…The Critic. So let’s dive right in!
First up:
Curious George: This is the number one requested and watched show in the McPhemelie household. A is a CG fan girl of the first order and M can now tell you what channel is featuring the little monkey at what time, throughout the day. Poor guy. In short, we’ve seen more than a few episodes (many of them repeatedly). I see the science and engineering concepts at work in the show. It’s true. But I also can’t get over the following fact:

- The Man With the Yellow Hat insists on letting George roam free, in spite of the fact that every time he takes his eyes off of the little shit, something goes horribly wrong. Usually, it involves serious public damage that costs in order of thousands to repair. Similarly, local shopkeepers never seem to mind when he trashes their shops – and The Man With the Yellow Hat seems to take the same in stride when it happens in the penthouse or country home. WHAT DRUGS IS HE ON?? I WANT THEM. As M once noted, that monkey would have been thrown back to the zoo after day one if he lived with us.

Caillou: Ummm…huh? This is, without a doubt, the most vanilla of all toddler shows ever. Sure, there is a diverse range of ethnicities characterized in Caillou’s little group of “play-skool” friends, but all of them appear to be entirely too helpful and happy and very much the same. Like their on some sort of happy pill sedative. When is Caillou going to bop his sister or friend on the head with one of his trucks? Better still, when is one of those friends of his going to do it to him and let them take the lead for a change? Do his parents ever get mad? How come his sister Rosie only cries when she’s scared? Where’s the real life for the suffering parent watching this white-bread drivel??

Great. Now the theme song is stuck in my head.

Thomas the Train: Another favorite, TOSS TWAIN! I love this show only because I get to commit sacrilege and suggest that Thomas and Friends is all done via CGA or Computer Graphic Animation. It’s such a fun button to push. That frivolity aside, I’m always a little disturbed by the underlying message of the show with regards to Confusion and Delay. It’s just sort of Children of the Corn creepy.

Sid the Science Kid: Great science concepts for little minds. Needs Ritalin. Nuff said.

Bob the Builder: Never mind the fact that every time I hear, "CAN WE FIX IT?" I mentally respond, "NO, IT'S FUCKED!"...when is he going to marry that chick and be done with it? And why aren't real life contractors so fast or conscientious??

My Friends Tigger and Pooh: OK. It’s less annoying now than it used to be, but I still can’t get over the fact that this show really is all CGA and the characters are caricatures of themselves. Tigger was never that obnoxious, Rabbit never that serious and Piglet never that timid…until now. Further, Roo seems to be less a toddler himself and more a second grader and what the HELL happened to Owl?! Who is this southern Turtle, geeky Porcupine, all-knowing Beaver (a beaver? Wasn’t Gopher a bad enough addition by Disney in the original films??) and that damn hippy Raccoon? As if to add insult to injury, they did away with Christopher Robin. That confuses me. Did he grow up and go off to Cambridge University and leave the care of the Hundred Acre Wood to his annoying, androgynous American sister and her yappy dog?

If I had 25 thumbs, I would give it 30 thumbs down. It’s Winnie the Pooh and Friends in name only. Disney will burn in hell for this bastardization of such a beloved character.

And finally, I saved the absolute worst for last.

Dragon Tales: It’s like the 1980’s dropped a lot of acid and threw up all over the TV. It oozes treacle and embodies the very worst of those 1980’s trends of overly sweet, bright and cheesy images kids were inundated with. It is seizure inducing. It is nausea inducing. It is, quite possibly, everything wrong with the world today. And why, why, WHY does that two headed dragon have to shriek and screech every sentence? Why?

Oof. I need a lay down.